New House of Commons Speaker

So Michael Martin is the first speaker of the House of Commons to be forced out of office in 300 years. Should the Queen be worried about her ability to wear hats (well we beheaded the last one just after we got rid of the Speaker…)? Or now that he has stepped down will the focus be brought back to the MPs who shamelessly embezzled public money for their own ends?

But in the meantime we need a speaker and most people are wondering who will replace him. Now it is a truth universally acknowledged that we the public can only be interested in panel shows that involve raw emotion, unlikable, cartoonish characters and public humiliation. Followed by a public vote. Why, it’s the very essence of democracy, Solon, Cleisthenes and all those other toga wearers would be proud.

So I have created Britain’s Next Speaker, to be aired on BBC Four (because it’s classy). It’s Britain’s hunt to find the next HoC Speaker.

But who to be on the judging panel? You need just the right blend of smarm, familiar face, scathing put down, the one who no one is sure what their relevance is (even to reality itself, let alone reality TV), and  one who’s likely to cry at everything… It’s very tricky.

So I put it to Twitter, and below in a poll; find me judges and tell me who you want (after all as I just mentioned democracy is at the very heart of this exercise). And the results are in:

• Phil Collins (Former speech writer to Tony Blair)          21%
• Simon Cowell          13%
• Armando Iannucci          13%
• Thatcher          4%
• Alistair Campbell          4%
• Alan Duncan          4%

But the most popular category was:

• Other         45% 

Including nominations for:

• Alexandra Pullin (thanks)
• Lily Allen
• Clarkson
• Rick Parfitt
• David Mitchell
• Kent Ertugrul
• Daniel Hannan MEP
• Tina Fey
• Rick Astley
• Noel Edmonds

So thanks for all your votes, I’ll let you know when BBC Four comes calling.